I have found that one of the hardest things for my students to learn to deal with in their lives is combative feedback. I am going to take some time here to really talk about combative feedback so we, in our need to stand up for ourselves, do not become the one that is sending out negative feedback.
Now I am sure you have met those people who are rude, loud and think that by being louder and over-talking anyone with an idea or opinion different than theirs, that they are right… that they are standing in the truth and come hell or high water they get to have the last word!
Does it drive you mad? Well, I am sure it does for most people.
If you are the kind of person who is serious about having true love in your heart, be careful you do not become that person out of sheer frustration, thinking, “No one is hearing me” because it is very easy for you to do the very same thing. In your excitement for standing up for you and having others hear who you are and what you stand for, you can easily become that rude, loud, obnoxious person yourself.
One of the things I really can help you see is how to learn to have compassion for yourself during your learning and walking this new you. In so doing you also learn to have compassion for those that choose not to change.
Having this understanding of having compassion for yourself and learning about how to have compassion for others, you can have someone throw some really true stuff about who you were and it simply won’t matter anymore. It is the truth – that is what you did – you shared it because you lived it.
Stand or sit, whatever the case may be, and very quietly, with dignity and grace not only for yourself but for that other person as well, listen to what they have to say. If you are like me you might even start to cry because your feelings were immediately hurt. So let the tears fall and say, “That was not nice. Yes, I did take those action steps, but I have spent time looking at those actions that I took and I have taken the time to change those things about me. So, I can say with a clear conciseness that what was true then is not true now.”
If you, speaking quietly, look that person in the eyes with true understanding of what you have learned about yourself, you will find you are not angry or defensive, you realize that the deflection of throwing something back that the other person has done to show they are not perfect diminishes any love and learning you may have done.
Deflection is taking the focus off of you to put it on someone else. What better way to be heard than to keep the light on you and say, “Yes, I did that, and because I did I can say I would not act like that again.” To me that is what this life is all about.
Having an experience, in that experience looking, without anger but with the object of evaluation, and questioning self – Did I like how the outcome felt?
With the answer to that question I would ask: Would I do it again?
With the answer to that question is where the lesson then lies.
Remember… you only repeat an experience because it gave you fulfillment and the feeling of joy. Any other emotion simply means we need to do something different.
P.S. I am back in the Simi Valley, CA area and would love to get together with you and a few of your friends if you’re in the area. If you might be interested in hosting a small gathering in your home let’s schedule it ASAP. More info HERE
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