As I began to see that all the chattering that was going on in my head was taking a lot of my time and space I realized it also stopped me from making a lot of choices quickly. Instead of listening to my internal voice, I would get caught listening to the chatter that seemed to be always counter to what I was feeling was my need. I really started to put the chatter into categories so I could see when the chatter really would interfere with my process of making choices.
What I found out was that the closer I was to feeling a real need of mine, the more chatter was there. So… as long as I was doing things for my husband, children, family and friends the mind chatter was quieter. The problem with that is I never felt happy. I felt like I was being used and abused. I never was doing things for myself. I was out of money and so very tired by the time I would get back to doing something for me, that I was feeling always left out.
That does not make for a happy camper. So, I was always crabby and grouchy with my husband and children. I was always asking , why can’t I have my needs met? Why can’t I have things just for me? Of course the answers I was getting back from my internal voice was : “You are supposed to be doing only for yourself.”
“What are you talking about?” would be my response.
I did not understand the concept of detaching. To me at the time it meant to get rid of and of course I was a mother and a wife. How do you detach ( get rid of your family) to fill your own needs? Well, I can tell you any time I would contemplate on this new idea of detachment the old mind chatter was screaming as loud as it could at me.
I just did not see what that meant to me. Yet, I was discovering that I must be on the right track even though I did not know how I was going to be doing this detachment thing, because the chatter was constantly yelling and screaming at me. When I speak of the yelling going on in my head, I was hearing the voices of all those people in my life that were trying to parent me instead of being true guardians.